Blooming
I’ve been going through bad mental health for the first few months in 2021, and all of it is documented in my drawings. The only person I opened up to about this at first, said the following sentence - “show me who isn’t depressed, it’s a pandemic.” Completely dismissing the fact that I’m isolated, it’s a complete lockdown in the country, I was grieving a loss of a close family member, and don’t have family around me in the same country. I have found myself in a humiliating process of explaining why I feel what I feel, and why there needs to be a justification for my struggle to that person. This person walked away knowingly that I was on the edge, and hasn’t checked up on me since.
Thankfully, I opened up to my close circle and my family understood something was wrong, when I started to get more quieter. It was a first time I have felt this way in a very long time. And don’t get me wrong, life has hit me a few times. Moving from a developing country to a complete western country with 0 prep and with only two people that I know. Going through a domestic abuse for several years, and finally fleeing with nowhere to go and only £40 in my pocket. Surviving tumour, when I was still a teen and doing my A-Levels. Moving into my own place at 20 with 0 savings, starting university degree and working 25+ hours per week. The list can go on, but somehow I still found myself in a humiliating situation of justifying why I feel what I feel, and why I deserve help. If I by chance was shot in the leg, and found myself on the ground, would I still need to justify why I need help? “So, what if you’re bleeding? Everyone is walking, so should you. Now, get up!” would’ve been the sentence in that hypothetical situation. The sentence, that would’ve stuck with me, even after I have healed my leg.
When I was a teen, I have read Paulo Coelho’s ‘Veronika wants to die’ for the first time. There was a whole chapter on how people during wars were less depressed, simply because they were trying to survive. They simply had no time nor energy to rationalise nor understand the degree of their unhappiness. This kind of stuck with me. I’ve met so many people who are trying to be busy, schedule themselves to 324732 events and gathering just to occupy their minds only for them to stop and question whether they’re even actually happy. This usually hits in mid 40’s, when society labels this sudden internal pivot within us as ‘mid life crisis’, but I’ve witnessed it in my own generation too…I’m still in my 20’s.
I practised mindfulness last year more than ever. I’ve tried to stop checking my phone, when out with friends. Look up more, when walking… Been cheerful and joyful over the smallest things. Whether it’s a cup of coffee or seeing someone wearing an orange jacket on another gloomy day in London. And of course, finally selling my art work! 😊
I think being vulnerable and transparent is what makes relationships more authentic. Whether it be with you family, friends or our own selves. Just because someone dismissed your vulnerable & fragile state, definitely doesn’t mean it’s not valid. Some people are uncomfortable with other’s vulnerability, because they haven’t done work within themselves. People will only meet you as deeply, as they’ve met themselves.
May the tears you cried in 2021 water the seeds you’re planting in 2022 ❤
